I Was In Love

I was in love
I was in love
I was in love with this boy
The kind of love that took over my every thought
I thought I would never be able to live without him
He taught me that I was capable of unconditional love
Unconditional love like 
REALLY
without conditions

He taught me that I don’t get to choose who I love or how much I love them
My heart and my soul do what they want to do
He taught me what it was like to love someone so much it hurts
So much it hurts because he didn’t love me back
He didn’t love me back
He taught me that not everyone will love me back
I screamed to the heavens and asked to take away this love because it hurt so much

But I learned to love anyway
I learned to love from afar
I learned that I could love and be loved with the force of a tsunami and the all encompassing power of fire
I learned that I am deserving of that kind of love
That I desire that kind of love
I will wait for that kind of love

But even so
There will always be a part of me that is in love with him
A part that looks at him with stars in my eyes
A part of me that dreams of him
A part that sees him by my side
By my side
Unconditionally
I'll see him by my side

Just like I did when I was in love

Blessed by the Yes

After a long week of events, homework, tests, and activities, I'm absolutely exhausted. My introverted side is kicking in and it's going to take a while to recover from the craziness of this week. Although my body is slowing down and my mind is wishing for a break, I'm still in a state of euphoria following all of the great things from the past 6 days.

I decided a while ago that I wanted to work to change my introverted tendencies and say yes to more things. Little by little, I've implemented more "yes" in my life. Monday, I said yes to me time and a date with one of my best friends. I also said yes to picking up a shift at work and taking a late night drive with my roommate. Tuesday, I said yes to waking up at 6 to see my brother, and going to both my labs, and babysitting my favorite little dude. Wednesday I said yes to everything. Another 6am call-time, studying, working, having a picnic dinner with some really great people, and being out of my comfort zone. Thursday, I said yes to no naps, more studying, quality time with yet another best friend, and work work work. Friday I said yes to me time again. I finished several TV series that I had been watching on Netflix and started watching RomComs to fill my heart. I said yes to another framily shindig and did face masks and nails with even more great people. Saturday, I said yes to Welcome Week training and hanging out with friends and getting ready for the dance and GOING to the dance.

It's currently 12:32 AM. I am sore and tired. But I am so very thankful. I realized that mixed in with all of the yes for other people and things, it's good for me to say yes to myself. I also learned that it's important for me to celebrate the little things that I say yes to and the things that I don't find it hard to say yes to because they're all good. I have been blessed by the yes this week and I don't plan on stopping it any time soon.

I Remember

I remember

running around in her backyard

chasing Lord knows what

and breathing in that fresh spring air.

The old white swing set

and the blue and yellow tire

became my favorite playground.

And the little yellow honeysuckle

flowers were my favorite accessory

to pick off the bush and

stick into my hair.

I remember

playing "grocery store"

and "doctor"

with all the things we found in her house

and living in a world where

I could be anything and everything

because she made it happen.

I learned to be the best cashier

the world has ever known by bagging

her groceries

and I had my first glimpse into

my future career when I prescribed

chocolate covered sunflower seeds

to treat her "boo boos."

I remember

walking next to this

glorious woman and listening

to the magnificent stories of her days

as a daughter, a student, a teacher, a mother.

Every trip we took to that 7/11

is a treasured memory

filled with multi-colored slushies

and tiny packs of gum.

And I remember

taking breaks between schoolwork

to watch her favorite soap opera

before lunch

and catching up on all the latest gossip

of her life

and looking forward to that

two hour time frame of just

relaxing and enjoying each other's company.

But I also remember

getting annoyed at how much

she bothered me while I was reading

or when she didn't let me

watch my favorite shows.

And getting angry at comments she

made about my body and lifestyle

and how much hurt came from

those jabs at my self esteem.

And thinking about how everything

would be better once this woman was gone

from my life.

But now that she is gone

I wish that I had more time

more hours

more days

more weeks

more years

to talk to her and hear my favorite stories again.

I'm longing to walk to 7/11 with her

or play doctor and grocery store

or run free in her backyard while I chase

the everlasting freedom of childhood.

I don't have extra time

and I can't hear those stories

and my heart has broken

my soul has shattered

and the little old woman that I love so much

can't come pick up the pieces.

I keep telling myself it will be okay

and I suppose it will

but for now I will lie still

as my world collapses

in hopes that it won't hurt too bad

and that I will heal quickly.

And I will remember

all of the beautiful things

that came with being her granddaughter

and all of the lessons I learned

from being in her presence.

I will always be thankful for her.

And when I see her again,

we will make new memories

for all of eternity.

In loving memory of

Bit Hoesch

October 31, 1928 - February 21, 2016

Kentucky Sunshine

She is the familiar rays of sunshine breaking
through the deep blue clouds in the morning.
She is the rhythmic flow of a hidden stream
tip-toeing it's way up to your eardrums,
And the warmth that inches it's way down your
throat after a drink of the best tea.
She 

is the unforgettable drive to chase the Kentucky Sunshine.

To those who were there on Dec. 23

To begin, I would like to say that no one was seriously harmed in this incident and for that I am so grateful.

To the man who called 911,

I cannot begin to express how thankful I am for you. When I was too flustered to do anything, you called 911 and disabled my car horn (that was blaring incessantly). You also stayed with me, made a statement for the police officer, and backed up my story. I am so glad that you and your family were not hit, and that you were all able to go home safely. Thank you again. I will never be able to say that enough.

To the woman whose car was hit by mine,

I am so sorry that you had to be involved in this, I almost wish that I was the only one sitting at that light. I don't wish that, because I would have gone sailing into traffic and might have been severely injured or killed. So I am thankful that you were there that night. I am also thankful that you and your daughter are safe and that you were so willing to give your statement to the officer. I understand why your first comment to me was slightly rude, and I hold nothing from that against you. Thank you for listening to me instead of jumping into accusing me. I hope that you and your family have the merriest of Christmases.

To the witness who didn't stay on scene,

I am eternally grateful for people like you. Even though you didn't stay with me, you still took action and called in the license plate of the driver who hit me. You made the process go so much faster and gave me so much peace as I left the scene. Thank you to the ends of the galaxies.

To the man who drove drunk,

I only wish three things when it comes to you. First, I wish that you hadn't even decided to go out drinking that night because I hope that your driving would have been safer if you hadn't. Second, I wish that traffic had been heavier so that I could have caught more details of your truck or even your face because it would make this process much smoother for me. And lastly, I wish that you will learn from this. You did an awful thing that did so much damage to my life, and you need to take responsibility for that. But I do forgive you. I hold only a little malice toward you, but it is fading. Soon, you will be known as the man who murdered my Henry, but nothing more. I hope they find you quickly. Merry Christmas.

To the officer that arrived as fast as he could,

Thank you for working with all of the witnesses on scene and for keeping us informed as to how the search was going. Thank you for being so kind as I was a puddle of sobs, and for being patient with me. You are amazing, and I am grateful beyond words for you.

To the highway patrol officer,

Thank you for being so quick to find the drunk man's car and for identifying the marks so accurately. I never got to speak with you, but I wanted to thank you regardless.

To the tow truck man,

Thank you for being so willing to open up my trunk so I could get my hammock out, that meant the world to me. Thank you also for cleaning up after my dearest Henry so thoroughly, and for taking him away. You are fantastic. I hope you have a merry christmas.

To my mom,

Thank you for coming so quickly and for calming me down in the midst of all the chaos. Thank you for reminding me to get my umbrella and anything else I needed from inside of Henry and for asking the tow truck man to open the trunk to get my hammock. Thank you also for taking care of me since the accident and for driving me to work. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you.

To my dearest Henry,

You were the greatest first car a girl could ask for. I am so thankful for the many memories that we made and that you kept me safe in all of the minor accidents we've been in. I am also thankful that you protected me in this incident, that your airbags went off properly, and that my seat-belt kept me locked in place. Nothing will ever take your place in my heart. I will always remember you. I love you.

To my awesome God,

My life could have been taken so easily, but you chose to keep me here on earth for a while longer. I am so thankful for that. You had your hands all over this whole situation and you kept everyone involved safe. Thank you. This was part of your plan, and although I don't understand it, I know you will use it for something great. Tell Jesus Happy Birthday from me. I love you.

                     In loving memory of Henry, my first car. Jan 1995 - Dec 23 2015

Claire: clear, bright

I want you to meet my sweet friend Claire.
This girl literally bounded into my life, and I could not be more thankful.

Today has been the day of Claire and Stevie. Today, we shared stories of our hopes and our fears and the things that are binding our hearts and setting our souls free. Today was full of freedom and abandonment of self-consciousness.

Because of today, I want to write about just what Claire means to me.

Dear Claire,
You are beauty. You are passion. You are joy. You are freedom. You are inspiration. Everyday, when I'm given the opportunity to be graced with your presence, I feel overwhelmed with blessings. I am so thankful for your willingness to spend time with people. I am even more thankful that I get to be one of the people you spend time with.
I am inspired by you. You compel me to grow my faith and my relationships with people. I love how you interact with others. There is a sense of boldness that radiates from you, even in the times that you are the most vulnerable.
You are so wise. It gives me such peace to know that you will always know the right things to say in every situation. I love that despite being in different situations and from different backgrounds we can come together and be such great friends. I will never forget the day that you ran into my room to tell me that my first day of school picture was cute. I wouldn't have guessed that we would know each other so well and get along so wonderfully, but I'm so very thankful that we do.
To my sweet, outgoing, and fun-loving friend: I cannot tell you how much you mean to me and how thankful I am to have you in my life. I love you so much.

when the tears started rolling

God and I had the coolest chat today. 

The kind of chat that leaves peace and beauty in its wake. 

I watched the sky change on my way home; the clouds rolled over the sun and onto one another. I marveled at their beauty. 

The colors morphed from blues to yellows to greys, and the light beams shot straight through every opening they could find. 

My eyes could never open wide enough to fully embrace what I saw today, but man did they try. 

That's when we started to talk. 

Tears were rolling down my face because I was so in awe of what He had created. The words began to pour out of my mouth: 

I love you

You make beautiful things

I am yours

Take my heart

I asked for peace and the sun broke free of the clouds to warm my face like a loved ones touch. 

I asked for forgiveness and the rain washed over my car like the blood of Jesus washed away all sins. 

I poured out my heart and he painted his response in the horizon. 

"My daughter, you are mine and I am yours"

We chatted, like friends who've been together since birth. We laughed and we cried, and we swore to never say goodbye. We promised one simple little thing:

Our chat is not over yet.