Blessed by the Yes

After a long week of events, homework, tests, and activities, I'm absolutely exhausted. My introverted side is kicking in and it's going to take a while to recover from the craziness of this week. Although my body is slowing down and my mind is wishing for a break, I'm still in a state of euphoria following all of the great things from the past 6 days.

I decided a while ago that I wanted to work to change my introverted tendencies and say yes to more things. Little by little, I've implemented more "yes" in my life. Monday, I said yes to me time and a date with one of my best friends. I also said yes to picking up a shift at work and taking a late night drive with my roommate. Tuesday, I said yes to waking up at 6 to see my brother, and going to both my labs, and babysitting my favorite little dude. Wednesday I said yes to everything. Another 6am call-time, studying, working, having a picnic dinner with some really great people, and being out of my comfort zone. Thursday, I said yes to no naps, more studying, quality time with yet another best friend, and work work work. Friday I said yes to me time again. I finished several TV series that I had been watching on Netflix and started watching RomComs to fill my heart. I said yes to another framily shindig and did face masks and nails with even more great people. Saturday, I said yes to Welcome Week training and hanging out with friends and getting ready for the dance and GOING to the dance.

It's currently 12:32 AM. I am sore and tired. But I am so very thankful. I realized that mixed in with all of the yes for other people and things, it's good for me to say yes to myself. I also learned that it's important for me to celebrate the little things that I say yes to and the things that I don't find it hard to say yes to because they're all good. I have been blessed by the yes this week and I don't plan on stopping it any time soon.

I Remember

I remember

running around in her backyard

chasing Lord knows what

and breathing in that fresh spring air.

The old white swing set

and the blue and yellow tire

became my favorite playground.

And the little yellow honeysuckle

flowers were my favorite accessory

to pick off the bush and

stick into my hair.

I remember

playing "grocery store"

and "doctor"

with all the things we found in her house

and living in a world where

I could be anything and everything

because she made it happen.

I learned to be the best cashier

the world has ever known by bagging

her groceries

and I had my first glimpse into

my future career when I prescribed

chocolate covered sunflower seeds

to treat her "boo boos."

I remember

walking next to this

glorious woman and listening

to the magnificent stories of her days

as a daughter, a student, a teacher, a mother.

Every trip we took to that 7/11

is a treasured memory

filled with multi-colored slushies

and tiny packs of gum.

And I remember

taking breaks between schoolwork

to watch her favorite soap opera

before lunch

and catching up on all the latest gossip

of her life

and looking forward to that

two hour time frame of just

relaxing and enjoying each other's company.

But I also remember

getting annoyed at how much

she bothered me while I was reading

or when she didn't let me

watch my favorite shows.

And getting angry at comments she

made about my body and lifestyle

and how much hurt came from

those jabs at my self esteem.

And thinking about how everything

would be better once this woman was gone

from my life.

But now that she is gone

I wish that I had more time

more hours

more days

more weeks

more years

to talk to her and hear my favorite stories again.

I'm longing to walk to 7/11 with her

or play doctor and grocery store

or run free in her backyard while I chase

the everlasting freedom of childhood.

I don't have extra time

and I can't hear those stories

and my heart has broken

my soul has shattered

and the little old woman that I love so much

can't come pick up the pieces.

I keep telling myself it will be okay

and I suppose it will

but for now I will lie still

as my world collapses

in hopes that it won't hurt too bad

and that I will heal quickly.

And I will remember

all of the beautiful things

that came with being her granddaughter

and all of the lessons I learned

from being in her presence.

I will always be thankful for her.

And when I see her again,

we will make new memories

for all of eternity.

In loving memory of

Bit Hoesch

October 31, 1928 - February 21, 2016