Saturday, April 22, 2017

Blessed by the Yes

After a long week of events, homework, tests, and activities, I'm absolutely exhausted. My introverted side is kicking in and it's going to take a while to recover from the craziness of this week. Although my body is slowing down and my mind is wishing for a break, I'm still in a state of euphoria following all of the great things from the past 6 days.

I decided a while ago that I wanted to work to change my introverted tendencies and say yes to more things. Little by little, I've implemented more "yes" in my life. Monday, I said yes to me time and a date with one of my best friends. I also said yes to picking up a shift at work and taking a late night drive with my roommate. Tuesday, I said yes to waking up at 6 to see my brother, and going to both my labs, and babysitting my favorite little dude. Wednesday I said yes to everything. Another 6am call-time, studying, working, having a picnic dinner with some really great people, and being out of my comfort zone. Thursday, I said yes to no naps, more studying, quality time with yet another best friend, and work work work. Friday I said yes to me time again. I finished several TV series that I had been watching on Netflix and started watching RomComs to fill my heart. I said yes to another framily shindig and did face masks and nails with even more great people. Saturday, I said yes to Welcome Week training and hanging out with friends and getting ready for the dance and GOING to the dance.

It's currently 12:32 AM. I am sore and tired. But I am so very thankful. I realized that mixed in with all of the yes for other people and things, it's good for me to say yes to myself. I also learned that it's important for me to celebrate the little things that I say yes to and the things that I don't find it hard to say yes to because they're all good. I have been blessed by the yes this week and I don't plan on stopping it any time soon.

Monday, February 13, 2017

I Remember

I remember
running around in her backyard
chasing Lord knows what
and breathing in that fresh spring air.
The old white swing set
and the blue and yellow tire
became my favorite playground.
And the little yellow honeysuckle
flowers were my favorite accessory
to pick off the bush and
stick into my hair.

I remember
playing "grocery store"
and "doctor"
with all the things we found in her house
and living in a world where
I could be anything and everything
because she made it happen.
I learned to be the best cashier
the world has ever known by bagging
her groceries
and I had my first glimpse into
my future career when I prescribed
chocolate covered sunflower seeds
to treat her "boo boos."

I remember
walking next to this
glorious woman and listening
to the magnificent stories of her days
as a daughter, a student, a teacher, a mother.
Every trip we took to that 7/11
is a treasured memory
filled with multi-colored slushies
and tiny packs of gum.

And I remember
taking breaks between schoolwork
to watch her favorite soap opera
before lunch
and catching up on all the latest gossip
of her life
and looking forward to that
two hour time frame of just
relaxing and enjoying each other's company.

But I also remember
getting annoyed at how much
she bothered me while I was reading
or when she didn't let me
watch my favorite shows.
And getting angry at comments she
made about my body and lifestyle
and how much hurt came from
those jabs at my self esteem.
And thinking about how everything
would be better once this woman was gone
from my life.

But now that she is gone
I wish that I had more time
more hours
more days
more weeks
more years
to talk to her and hear my favorite stories again.
I'm longing to walk to 7/11 with her
or play doctor and grocery store
or run free in her backyard while I chase
the everlasting freedom of childhood.

I don't have extra time
and I can't hear those stories
and my heart has broken
my soul has shattered
and the little old woman that I love so much
can't come pick up the pieces.
I keep telling myself it will be okay
and I suppose it will
but for now I will lie still
as my world collapses
in hopes that it won't hurt too bad
and that I will heal quickly.

And I will remember
all of the beautiful things
that came with being her granddaughter
and all of the lessons I learned
from being in her presence.
I will always be thankful for her.
And when I see her again,
we will make new memories
for all of eternity.

In loving memory of
Bit Hoesch
October 31, 1928 - February 21, 2016